Deserve.

To deserve something is to be worthy of it. To merit it. To have a claim to it. To be entitled to it. I’ve spent a lot of time the last few weeks thinking about the word “deserve”. About the things I deserve. Or at least the things I think I deserve. I’ve also thought a lot about whether I really do deserve any of these things at all.

First of all, I know it is human nature to think that we deserve all kinds of good things. A great job that pays well, a beautiful, perfect family, to be treated with respect, to get what we want, for everyone to like us. So I could just chalk up all my insecurities about what I deserve to that and call it a day.

But as a Christian who believes in a Savior who took upon Himself the punishment DESERVED by all of mankind, the subject gets much more complicated. What do we deserve as believers? Do we really deserve anything?

Recently, I’ve become extrememly cynical towards relationships. Situation after situation has failed. If you know me, you know that I tend to pour myself into “crushes” and relationships pretty deeply. Probably too deeply. The problem with that is, when it doesn’t work out, it ruins me for a time (which is just proof that it is nothing but an idol that I’ve made more important than Christ, but that’s another post). But despite all of those crushing blows, I always recover and am ready to dive head-first into another situation pretty quickly. A vicious cycle, yes. But it took me four or five years to have one hit me so hard that it made me into a relationship cynic. In the last 2 months, I’ve gone from being extremely idealistic about relationships to being really cynical. I don’t want any part of them right now. Marriage sounds awful. I’m sick of getting hurt. I’m sick of not getting out of these situations what I think I deserve.

But that begs the question… what do I think I deserve from it? Consistency? Yep. Respect? Sure. I think those are the two things I desire more than anything. Is it bad for me to want these things from a person that I love? No. But can it VERY EASILY become a selfish need? Definitely. And that happens with me daily.

I don’t have the answers to most of the questions in my brain about this word “deserve”. I would love to hear thoughts. I’m really wrestling with it right now. There may not be a perfect answer, and that’s alright. I may be totally out of my mind here. But please comment. Tell me I’m crazy if I am.

(Again, this was all stream-of-consciousness, I just read this post and hate how stupid I sound, but I’m just going to post anyway to hopefully get conversation going.)

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~ by wchandlerparker on August 31, 2009.

3 Responses to “Deserve.”

  1. You know I tend to agree. But then again, I’ve been burned as well. According to Delle, I have “@*$# Girls” stamped on my forehead. Whatever. If it happens, it happens. If not, that’s less pain and more money in my wallet.

  2. we deserve one thing. hell.
    relationships are so hard and it doesnt get any easier when your married. just remember this word…..sanctification. read romans 8:18-39

  3. Let’s say you don’t “deserve” anything from a relationship. Well, that means that your future partner doesn’t “deserve” anything either. So, F it. Pointless.

    But, that’s not how it ends. You find someone that’s so awesome, that you’d be happy just to be with them. You end up doing things for them just to be around them. In the eventual, but rare, case that they want you around, they do the same. Then, you get married and have babies.

    When you love someone so much you’d do whatever just to have them around, respect is not something you have to work on, it’s just there.

    I don’t think you’re a retarded lovesick hopeless case, I just feel like you haven’t found a girl that’s on the same page. You will. The challenge is keeping your heart from going black in the process.

    Stop worrying (like me).

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